The Man With The Golden Gun

Sunday 2nd March

So award for most bizarre start to a Bond film goes to The Man With The Golden Gun; a French champagne and tabasco carrying midget, a man with three nipples ad some twisted excuse for a fairground sideshow containing an odd collection of Madame Tussauds rejects. Including a waxwork image of Bond himself, a plot ruiner if ever there was one.

Back to London and M suspects someone has paid a million dollars for Bond to be killed by the world’s most OCD hitman who only uses golden bullets fired from a golden gun and who never misses.  Giving in rather easily M simply suggests Bond retires; Bond however has other ideas and travels halfway across the world to track down his predicted assassin.

Masquerading as Scaramanga Bond breaks into Hai Fat’s house, a flawless plan if only the two met hadn’t previously met and if the real scaramanda hadn’t been in the other room. Further proof that we should never assume as shortly after arriving for dinner James is attacked by two sumo wrestlers.

After being knocked unconscious by the aforementioned French midget wearing a Mexican wrestler mask Bond is sent to some sort of ninja show with mandatory audience participation, at least the appropriate attire was provided. Completely unaware of his previous experience with ninjas they seem surprised when he manages to fight his way past two of them before suicide jumping out the window to join the rest of his own ninja posse, which although is made up primarily of teenage girls proves extremely effective. 

Following and quick speedboat chase and remembering the fun he had with James in live and let die Bond teams up with everyone’s favourite sheriff JW who despite trying to help quite quickly manages to get himself arrested by the Bancock police.

With Hai Fat dead Scarmanga finds himself at the helm of a solar energy plant; strangely solar energy isn’t something normally associated with evil, however when you do harness it to produce a laser powerful enough to blow up a small plane at reasonable difference it easy to see how lines can become blurred.

Our main Bond girl of this film is Goodnight, winning the award for most ridiculously named Bond girl so far, and also the most accident prone, managing to nearly blow up an entire power plant by bending over. I do however admire her determination, not even put off from sleeping with James even after she’s covered in glass and he puts her boss of speakerphone.

With Scarmanga dealt with and tired of jet skis and speedboats Bond makes his final escape from the power plant island in no other than a pirate ship, which usefully has an automatic pilot function, allowing him to finally hook up with Goodnight.

The highlight of this film has to be Nick Nack, a Gordon Bleu butler, midget, actor, scientist and all round sneaky little buggar, which Bond finally packs up in what looks like a ventriloquist dummy case. He does end the film alive so I can only hope we might see him again in subsequent films.